September 2005

Went to Stevenson today and got very bad news. The cancer is back in my neck again. Just where it started. Why did I go through all this hell only to end up back at the beginning again?. He prescribed morphine for me. Iím terrified. I donít want to live in pain, put Alan through that. I wonít end up in the hospital, with tubes.

Saw Bonnie and Rich today. I had some questions, and I respect their opinions. They are wonderful people. Love them.

Couldnít walk to the beach today and asked Alan to drive me. First time. Was very difficult. Neal and Sherry came down and sat with me. Sherry is such a doll. I could hardly talk but wanted to see the beach. Maybe for the last time. I asked Alan to call hospice for me. They seemed very nice when we went there a few months ago. I knew that I couldnít walk to the beach that it was near the end. Couldn't write to Mir today, don't have the strength. She's been there for me.

September 4:   Nice nurse from hospice came today. Alan is typing this for me. They gave me morphine. I'm worried for Alan.